Remarks at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

Thank you, Arlene. Laura and I are delighted to be here with all the major leaguers. [Laughter] Tonight I've decided to do something a little different. See, my mother, over the years, has put together at least 70 scrapbooks about our life as a family. What I've done is pull out some of the actual, never-before-seen photos from these scrapbooks and create a little slide show. [Laughter] And so, Gordon, if everybody's cell phones are turned off— [laughter]—you can hit the lights.

Tonight I present a Bush family album. What you may not realize is that I grew up at a time in Texas history when it was still a rough and tumble frontier. [Laughter] We were ranchers back then. [Laughter] This was my favorite horse. He was sure-footed, steady. I trusted that horse totally. And here's the really weird part: His name was Dick Cheney. [Laughter]

But times were hard back then. [Laughter] This, of course, was during the great drought of 1953. [Laughter] Dad, Neil, Doro, Marvin, and Jeb—in my family, with all those kids in the tub, it's not arsenic in the water I'd be worried about. [Laughter] Personally, I've always preferred a private bath. [Laughter]

This is my actual first-grade report card. Up top, it says, "George W. Bush." And then notice the final grades on the right: Writing, A; Reading, A; Spelling, A; Arithmetic, A; Music, A; Art, A. So my advice is, don't peak too early. [Laughter]

Here, I am with my fifth-grade science project. [Laughter] Built it myself. And it's still meeting our energy needs. [Laughter]

I went on to college and graduate school, but somehow, the press has gotten the wrong idea, that I was a smart aleck party guy. [Laughter] This is an unfair perception. See, in college, I actually did a lot of independent reading. [Laughter]

After graduation I joined the Texas Air National Guard. I'm the one who committed the State of Texas to defend Taiwan from attack. [Laughter]

Speaking of pilots, I'm so proud and honored to welcome to our Nation's Capital Lieutenant Shane Osborn and crewmember Lieutenant j.g. John Comerford. I hope you and your crew will be coming to the White House soon. I think you'll like it there. [Laughter] I know I've said this to you personally on the phone, but I'm proud to say it publicly: Welcome back, Lieutenant.

Some people wondered—and I'm sure there might have been a few out here— how I would handle the recent incident in China. Truth is, I have long been a serious student of the Orient. [Laughter] My mom and dad, of course, were in China when Dad was the U.S. liaison there. People have asked me, "Is it difficult trying to follow in the footsteps of a man who was President, Vice President, U.N. Ambassador, a man who held so many other important jobs? Is it hard being such a man's son?" Not really. [Laughter]

Most people don't realize it, but Dad has had some tough times. [Laughter] Back in the fifties, he went through a period where he thought aliens were trying to contact him. [Laughter] So he built this contraption to receive their signals. [Laughter]

As for my mom, after bearing six children she herself became a bit stressed. [Laughter] She took to acting very strangely. [Laughter] For a while, she thought she was too tall and walked like this. [Laughter] As if that weren't strange enough, next she wrote a book with that damn, mangy, illtempered dog. [Laughter] I hated that dog. [Laughter] My mother treated the dog better than she treated me. [Laughter] She never helped me write my book. [Laughter]

I will say this, however, my mom always stuck up for us kids. Here's Mom replying to a reporter's question about something Barbra Streisand said recently. [Laughter]

Fortunately, I've got great brothers and a great sister. Some people have asked me, however, if the vote recount left any hard feelings between my brother Jeb and me? Not a bit. In fact, here's a picture of the Governor of Florida. [Laughter]

All this brings me to a seriouser point. [Laughter] Eventually, I met a woman named Laura Welch. She changed my life. She has given me as an adult what I enjoyed as a child, and that is a loving family. The defining moments in the Bush family are not when my father was elected President or when I was elected President. The defining moments have been family moments. Ladies and gentlemen, I've been blessed with a family that is full of love, and I pray the same for you.

Good evening.